Mad World
by Aya Kazuki
Summary: As a young child, his parents always warned him about talking to strange people. So much for the warning since he'd already managed to talk to a strange old lady. And things only got weirder from there. AU (Sasuke x Ino) (Naruto x Sakura)


**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Kamisama Hajimemashita!**

This Naruto story is based off of Suzuki Julietta's manga Kamisama Hajimemashita! So it may seem familiar though that's just the introduction. Their interactions and adventures will differ from the manga.

**Summary**: Uchiha Sasuke is a homeless teen after his older brother ditches him with a ton of debt. After a fateful run-in with a drunk woman in the park where he resides, he ends up becoming the master of a shrine—and a god, nonetheless! Being a human-god with no prior training with two childlike fairies, and a disgruntled hell-cat as a familiar, he makes the journey to finding himself, his brother, and the truth behind his parents.

**Translations:**

_Chibi _–can mean 'small child'

_Chan_—term of endearment

_San_—title of reverence

_Sama_—more respectful title of reverence

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

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><p>As a young child, his parents always warned him about talking to strange people. So much for the warning since he'd already managed to talk to a strange old lady.<p>

"Now, now," She giggles, albeit drunk and lucid, "Don't give me that look, _chibi-chan_. I'm not going to _do _anything."

"Somehow I highly doubt that," He tries sliding further away from her on the park bench. The park bench is _his_ and if she thinks she can suddenly show up and swoop in on his _home_, this old lady doesn't know what's coming to her. The teen frowns at her, "Go away, I'm trying to do my homework."

_Calculus…now when the hell am I ever going to use this shit?!_

Ugh! If only he was old enough to qualify for a stable job. But even with all the troubles that seem to try and trip him up—he will succeed. He will graduate top of his class, enter a distinguished university, and earn a reputable career.

And change his life for the better. He wouldn't have to rely on his ridiculously unreliable older brother—whom, at the moment had skipped town and left him in debt and evicted.

"What's a cute chibi-chan like you doing here?" The blonde older woman leans on the bench, her assets threatening to pop out any moment.

He blanches at the thought. The first pair of boobs he'll see will _not _be saggy menopausal-looking ones and right now, she fell right into that category.

_Please stay tucked in…_

He hopes his silent prayers are heard since he'd pretty much gouge out his eyes on the spot if it happens. The woman continues to shift in her seat, alcohol reeking from her pores.

"If you're looking for business, go somewhere else," He huffs. There is no time to be wasted on inebriated idiots.

"I bet you're just a little brat, running away from home. Hm? Wanna bet on it?" She sniggers and laughs—and starts snorting.

"Hn."

"You don't say? Too scared to make a bet with a lady like me?"

He glares at her. He _isn't _a chicken. "Whatever."

"So? What will it be chibi-chan?"

"Will you quit calling me that?!"

"What should I call you then?"

"_Nothing_. Go _away._"

She mimics a tremble, "Wah, so cold. Do tell though, what's a chibi-chan like you doing, camping out in this park?" The blonde then pulls out a cigarette from between her boobs and lights it. She glances over at him and pulls out a second one, offering it to the boy.

"God, no!" He shudders at where it had been located.

"Well?" She's blowing smoke in his face now and he thinks, it's probably better to answer her questions and usher her out than ignore. Since obviously, trying to overlook her existence is out of the question.

"I live here," He states flatly.

"In the park?"

"In the park."

"…"

"…"

"Where are your parents?"

"They're dead." Something he really didn't want to think about—but it always came up.

"…oh…What about family?"

_Oh my god, when will she give up?_

"I have an older brother."

"Oh? Is he living out here too? I wonder if he's also this good looking."

"He's on the run for laundering money. Or maybe dead. Who knows," He crosses his arms. What is this, twenty questions? The idea of his private life being exposed to a random stranger unnerves him. But at this rate, his entire school already knew about his status—what more harm could it be with the general public knowing also?

"Hmmm…I could use some booze," She murmurs out loud.

"Then go get some!" _And go away!_

She turns and stares at him, "I have no money. I gambled everything earlier. Let me borrow some money?"

"_What?!_ I'm _homeless_!"

"But you've got money!" She grins lecherously, "I'll make a trade, how 'bout that?"

"_No! _I don't want anything to do with _you!_" Snarling, he grabs his backpack away from her reach, "How is a grown-ass woman going around taking money from children?!"

"You're hardly a child," She throws her cigarette on the ground, stepping on it a trifle too happily and leans towards him, "How about I offer you my home in exchange for enough change for a ticket on the bullet train to Suna?"

"What?! I don't want to live with _you_!" He scrambles away from the weird woman coming onto him. He managed to live a good 17 years between the ragged apartment his brother rents and the nearby park (when his brother defaults on the payments and they get evicted)—_without_ being harassed.

"Tsk, tsk," She smirks, "Someone's thinking dirty thoughts. I never said I'll be living there."

"Then what? Are you going to sell me to a trade?!" This is it. He's going to hit her really hard over the head with his binder and run for it. Who knows what dirty people this woman was acquainted with.

"No, no," Boobs bounce as she laughs and he quickly avert his eyes. What kind of respectable adult prances around with their boobs basically flying around?!

"My home—or something like that—I own a house a ways from here. My family is still there but I haven't been home in quite a long time, unfortunately. I'm sure they'll be happy to take you in. You can have my room!" She laughs openly and he slaps his forehead.

_She's an idiot_

"Why don't you just go home and ask them for money?"

Her smile faints as she looks away, "I haven't been home in quite some time. I wonder if I'm even allowed to return home."

The boy blinks at her, feeling a building fury inside, "What?" She had a family waiting for her at home—and she even dares to disregard them? Somehow, it just didn't seem _fair_. He'd been alone for so long that it started to feel normal but every now and then when he'd see a happy, content family walking around—the green-eyed monster inside him just wanted to scream and bash some stuff around.

Here, he's standing across from someone who states she had a family that cares for her—a place for her to go home to—and she's basically throwing it away. She's throwing it in his face!

"Don't take that shit for granted!" Somehow, it really struck a nerve with him, "Go _home_ if you've got a family waiting for you! Don't stand around here and brag. I don't want to hear this shit from a spoiled old witch!"

"You shouldn't yell at your elders."

"I don't care! You need to shut the hell up and go home!" _Before you regret it. Before you can never see them again!_

"I really can't—not at this time."

"Then go away! I don't want to talk to you anymore!" He's seeing red and his eyes are watery.

What the hell, he's no prissy baby—crying when he's upset. Where the hell did that come from?!

"I will—but I'm offering you the spot at my home in my place."

He frowns, "Why would you do that?" Blinking a few more times, he tries to push back the tears that _nearly _destroyed his manhood—or boyhood. Whichever.

"I need to give them this letter but I'm actually in a hurry to head to Suna and my home is in the opposite direction." She whips out a crumbly, old letter from—lo and behold, between her boobs once more.

"Then _why are you still here_?"

_Annoying idiot_

"Wellllllll…I was thinking you can deliver it for me in my stead and then you can just stay there for as long as you need!"

"What?"

She flaps the parchment around his face, "Deliver this letter and say you're allowed to stay because I said so!"

He mulls it over for a moment. What harm can it be? He'll deliver the letter, check the place out, and perhaps stay for a bit—or as long as they'll allow him to. At least that'll keep him off the park bench for awhile.

"Fine. I'll deliver the letter. But I really don't have enough money for the bullet train ticket." He sighs, at least he should be honest about that as she hands him the letter.

"Oh don't worry about that!" Prancing around the park bench, she reaches behind and grabs a little purse, "I drew a map on the back of the envelope!"

He flips the envelope over.

_That's the shittiest map I've seen yet_

"Anyways, my name's Tsunade," She grins at him, swinging the purse over her shoulder, "What's yours?"

"Uchiha Sasuke," He mumbles. Before he could even utter another sound, she grabs him roughly, placing an ill-wanted smooch on his forehead.

"See ya around, Sasuke-chan!" She drunk-prances away.

Given that she didn't kiss him on the lips—it would've been his first kiss—the only other person that has ever kissed him on the forehead was his late mother.

And now he's been defiled (emotionally more-so) by an old, drunk woman.

Sasuke threw up a bit from the thought.

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

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><p>Somehow, it must have been too good to be true. He followed the shitty map-drawing-thing for a good hour and now, as of current, standing at the bottom of the stairs up to a shrine.<p>

He's been had.

He's been had by a dirty, lecherous, old witch.

The dark-haired teen shifts the bag on his shoulder slightly. It is starting to get dark and looks like weather coming in. He could turn around at this point had make the one hour trek back to the park or climb the stairs and maybe find shelter in the shrine overnight.

Sighing, he decides on the shrine. It had been a tiring day at school and running away from the loan sharks. Honestly, if he knew where Itachi's hideout is—he wouldn't be wandering around the streets of Konoha either! How stupid.

The hike up the stairs seems longer than they should be and he exhales loudly as soon as he made the last step.

Looking up at the shrine, he couldn't help but feel a bit pleased by how nicely kept it still is. There is not a speck of dust on the monuments and stone carvings, not a spider web spun on the gates, and every wood fixture still in mint condition.

Maybe there is someone living here still?

He steps cautiously into the shrine, "Hello…?"

The place is dimly lit, and ominously empty.

"Hello…?"

_Hm? No one's here for a place so nicely kept? That's odd_

Suddenly to his left, two blinding balls of light flew at him.

If Uchiha Sasuke wasn't Uchiha Sasuke…he'd probably shit himself at this point.

"GAH!"

The balls of light collide with him, roughly tackling him onto the ground.

_These things are….squirming?_

"TSUNADE-SAMA!" The two balls of light squeal together causing Sasuke to flinch from the sound. He squints at the bright glowing orbs and sees two figures.

"Oh, Tsunade-sama, y-you're back!" Purple hair and blank white eyes stare back at him.

"By time you're back! We missed you so much!" More purple hair and blank white eyes stare. Wings behind them, flapping. They wore matching lavender yukatas with flower patterns.

_Ghosts?! But they can touch me…Forest monsters?! Ghouls? Spirits?! Am I dead?!_

Sasuke backs up quickly from the miniature twin girls, "Who are you?! I'm not Tsunade!"

"W-What? You forgot u-us?" The first purple-haired girl sniffs.

"Of course, you're Tsunade! How could you even forget your own name?!" The second one reprimands him.

"I'm not! Tsunade sent me here!"

"W-What? How could you send y-yourself here?" Fairy number one falters slightly, scrunching her face in thought.

The second fairy peers at him, "But-But, definitely, I could've sworn…you're Tsunade."

_They're stupid too!_

"I'M NOT!"

"You two idiots," A third voice pierces through his thoughts and all three heads swing towards the back of the shrine.

The third girl steps out and Sasuke resists the urge to rub his eyes.

She had a pale moonlight glow, large sky blue eyes, and cascading platinum blonde hair. An ephemeral radiance circles her entire being and Sasuke could only stare in awe. She dons an orange flowered traditional kimono with all its trimmings and held a tiny yellow fan in her left hand.

But what struck him speechless aside from the girl's abnormal beauty and bitchy attitude—is the white tail swishing behind her and the two cat ears nestled on top of her head.

_DEMON?!_

"That's not Tsunade-baachan. Why the hell would she turn herself into a human male? She's perverted but not _that _weird."

Maybe he's dreaming? Did he get drunk and pass out sometime without knowing it? Stepping back, he trips on his bag and lands on his back.

In front of him stood a humanized cat-girl to put every otaku fetish to shame. And definitely, she has a mean streak, he could tell. And he unquestionably is not hallucinating from the ache in his ache from landing awkwardly.

"But Ino-san, he's absolutely Tsunade-sama!" Fairy number 2 interrupts his thought, pulling roughly at his hair, "Look, he even has Tsunade-sama's Land God stamp!" She jabs at his forehead violently.

_I need to get out!_

"Stop it!" Sasuke reaches over and swats the tiny fairy girl aside, "I'm _not _Tsunade! I'm here to –HEY" The blonde cat-girl grabs him in mid-sentence, hauling him into an uncomfortable kneeling stance as she stares as his forehead.

_Whoa…_

He blinks a few times, his train of thought derailing at the close proximity. Maybe this family is just as weird as the old lady and they liked to dress up?

Sasuke reaches over and grabs the blonde's cat-ear.

_Uhhhh…that feels real…_

"What the _hell _do you think you're doing?!" She screeches and throws him well across the room, slamming into the wooden walls

"Guhhh…"

Definitely, she is a demon-cat because no girl has that kind of strength. And _damn_, undeniably not a dream. That really hurts.

The two fairy girls suddenly flock towards him.

"You didn't have to t-throw him that hard, Ino-san!" The first fairy trips multiple times, trying to get him into a sitting position.

The second fairy grabs his head again, jabbing at his forehead, "I told you! He has the mark of the Land God!"

Sasuke pulls himself out of their grip—he will not be manhandled by two pint sized ghouls, "What's going on here? Can _someone _just clue me in on this?! What the hell are you guys?!"

The blonde cat-girl—Ino, crosses her arms, staring at him, "You're the one that showed up with the mark of the Land God. Why don't _you _tell us how you ended up here like that?"

He glares at her but reaches for the letter tucked in his pocket and throws it at her wordlessly.

A fine eyebrow rises at his gesture but she rips open the letter gracefully with a sharp (very sharp, Sasuke notices) nail and skims the contents before sighing in defeat.

"Yep," She moans, "This is Tsunade-sama's shitty handwriting. And she's ditching us again…but at least this time…" Sasuke backs away, wary of the gleam in her eyes, "She says she's offering this human to us in her place."

"Really?!" The two fairies perk up.

"What?!" Sasuke scowls. He is _not _an offering for weird people—or creatures.

"T-This means for a celebration!" The first fairy exclaims, flapping about and Sasuke resists the urge to swat her out the air. _Celebration_? For what! He is definitely not staying here long enough to rejoice about anything.

"Hooray for our new Land God! What's your name, human?" The second fairy follows the antics of the first one.

"Hey—Sasuke—W-wait, Land God?" The black-haired teen stumbles as the fairies pull him about, "Wait—I don't quite understand—"

"Che. He's stupid too. Can't get good looks without sacrificing brains." The blonde snaps her fan to close as she sneers at him.

Ready to throw an insult back at the blonde, Sasuke snaps his mouth shut when the second fairy yanks his jacket sleeve in a reprimanding force.

"You shouldn't talk to the Land God like that! He's your master now, Ino-san!" She swivels back to him, "What's your name?"

He gapes at her before answering neutrally, "Uchiha Sasuke." Maybe he'll just play along with this charade. It can't hurt, right? He's the most level-headed and practical person he knew of, and here, he's entertaining with ghouls and spirits.

_Great_

"Sasuke-sama," The second fairy bows, "I'm Hanabi." She turns and gestures at the other fairy, "And this is my sister Hinata. We're the will-o-wisps of the shrine! We're here to aid you in up-keeping this shrine!"

"H-H-Hello!" Hinata blushes as she bows clumsily at him.

"Uh…" Sasuke bows awkwardly back at the two spirits.

"No."

They all turn towards the scowling blonde.

"I refuse to accept this."

"I-Ino-san! But he's now your master!"

"No, he ain't," She snarls, showing her canines at Hinata and glares at him, "He's just some useless human boy. I'm Tsunade-sama's familiar. Not some child's!"

"Tsunade-sama chose him, herself!" Hinata squeaks and Sasuke almost felt bad. The scene compares to a mouse and cat fight.

"Well then," The blonde turns around and stalks towards the hallway, "It's either me or him." And she disappears into the dark.

_Uh….._

Sasuke clears his throat, catching the attention of the two will-o-wisps.

Now, he is royally confused and he wants _answers_.

"That's Ino-san," Hanabi states dutifully, "She's Tsunade-sama's familiar. She's the most powerful familiar out there!"

"Y-Yes!" Hinata chimes in, "So, you'll need to convince Ino-san to be your familiar! Or we'll be doomed!"

"Doomed!" Hanabi repeats and they prance around him like children.

Yep, he's unquestionably doomed from the start.

"Can I just stay here tonight? I'll leave tomorrow morning and you can go back to what you were before," The thought of reconciling with the angry hell-cat makes him nauseous.

"Nooooo!" Hanabi wails and Hinata clings onto his sleeve, "The Land God cannot abandon his shrine and duties!"

_Didn't that old hag ditch them? I can do the same too…_

"P-Please don't leave!" Hinata cries.

Now, he feels bad. Somehow it seems like he just made a child cry. There is no way these spirits are out to eat him or kill him for that matter and it the thought makes the teen a bit more confident.

If it isn't for the demon-cat stalking the dark hallways, he wouldn't even second guess about staying at the shrine and fulfilling its duties as long as he had shelter.

The situation is ridiculous but Sasuke is quite practical. Here is a perfect location to reside in temporarily, an offer too good to pass up. There is just one slight problem, and the teen rather not wake up in the middle of the night with the demon-cat slicing him open with her nails.

_Dammit_

"So…" He sighs in defeat, "How do I convince the hell-cat to be my familiar?"

Hinata and Hanabi smile widely at him, their miniature wings buzzing in excitement.

"S-Simple!" Hinata frets. Sasuke's holding his breath in anticipation. Somehow…he has a feeling it's not as easy as she states…

"You just have to _kiss _her! It's the familiar pact!" Hanabi finishes.

Ah…

He might as well dig his grave now.

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><p><strong>xXx<strong>

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><p>Thank you for reading the first chapter! It's my first fic so feedback is greatly appreciated! (Criticism is welcomed—but please be kind, English is technically my third language and I don't exactly excel in any of the languages I know….so I know there's some grammatical errors and I apologize for it!)<p>

Soooo…clicky on that little button and let me know how you feel about this! Thank you!

-Aya Kazuki-


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